Mastering the First Date

There’s no shortage of people ready to dispense dating advice. Most of them talk about how great they are at seducing and picking up women. Well, I’m the opposite; I sucked at it.

Back when I was dating, I was also drinking as a hobby, so I’d typically cock block myself. Some of the dates worked out great. Some were a disaster. And others, I have no idea.

As a result, I’ve been on many first dates. So while I can’t tell you how to get girls or give relationship advice, I can offer infinite wisdom on vetting and mastering the first date:

1. Take her some place nice, but not so fancy that her menu doesn’t have prices on it. She should know.
2. If it’s a French restaurant, look up the menu online beforehand and practice pronouncing the names of the dishes. Play it cool.
3. Japanese is also a good option. Saké is like a legal roofie* and if she’s good with chopsticks, you’ll know she wasn’t raised in a barn.
4. Skip the movies; it’s a waste of two hours. Besides, you’ve got unlimited movies back at your place.
5. If it’s a blind date, arrange to meet at a crowded bar, and ask her what she’s wearing. That way, you can check her out before committing.
6. If her Instagram profile says “For booking information,” you’re definitely getting laid, maybe…