A Cynical Guide To Valentine’s Day

A vacation is also a gift to yourself

I won’t lie. I love Valentine’s Day. It’s not because I am some hopeless romantic or benevolent lover who finds pleasure in making other people happy. In fact, the day itself can be tedious and the commercial aspects are rather tacky.

But Valentine’s Day is a game. And like all things in life, I don’t want to lose. So, I’m going to take control, eviscerate her expectations, transcend all benchmarks, and vanquish any would-be suitors with a ferocity that makes her think that I actually care.

Here are some fairly simple, yet effective things I’ve learned for ensuring a victorious Valentine’s Day.

Stay at home on the big day.

• Prix fixe menus are bullshit. If I wanted a complimentary glass of champagne, I’d board my flights five minutes earlier.
• And a set menu probably won’t have any prices on it. Especially if it’s a new relationship, she really should know.
• Instead, line up a thoughtful, home-cooked meal at your place. Focus on the booze (saké is a great wingman), a meal within your culinary comfort zone, and a classic romantic comedy.