A Battle-Tested Guide To Office Bathroom Etiquette

You’d think it would be different in some Norman Foster designed office building surrounded by educated, respectable people in suits or Patagonia vests. But, it’s not. Office bathrooms too often look like the Superdome toilets after Monster Jam.

1. Don’t spend more time building the nest than you spend sitting on it. WASPs get a pass.
2. Find the safe haven toilets, usually located on the client meeting floor (nicer bathrooms) or near HR (where the men’s room is a ghost town).
3. Don’t wear shoes memorable enough to be recognized under a bathroom stall. Or socks for that matter.
4. Don’t provide colleagues with any details of your experience. (“Ooof. That was Pollock on porcelain masterpiece.”)
5. For God’s sake, no JUULing unless you’re alone. Do you have any idea what you’re inhaling? Hint: fecal particles.
6. Don’t wait for someone else to open the exit door or bother using a hand towel on the knob. Grow up. If you shake hands, ride in cabs, or eat in restaurants, it won’t make a difference.
7. Don’t take a newspaper or book with you. Smartphones are unsanitary for a reason — which is also why you probably need a sanitizing charger.
8. No long conversations at the urinal. A simple “Hey man” or nod is…